This poem is me. It’s inside me, it’s in my DNA. Line by line when I found it or when it found me (more like it) I saw myself nodding in deep and joyful agreement.
I laughed so much when I read it for the first time, it amazed me how well it neared me down (still). It’s exactly me, things that I’ve done, feelings that I’ve had, the last ten lines are my statement release for introducing myself to the world. All of it, this poem is me; my personality, my anecdotes, a very detailed view of several particularities within my personal story. It’s looking in a mirror; talking to myself.
And I believe; in a bigger or smaller way, it’s every one of us.
‘To Fly’ Clarice Lispector (1920-1977)
I’ve hidden a LOVE for fear of losing it, I’ve lost a LOVE because I tried to hide it.
I’ve held someone else’s hands because of fear, I’ve felt so much fear, to the point that I could not even fell my hands.
I’ve send away from my life people who loved me and I’ve regretted that.
I’ve cried myself to sleep many nights, and I had nights where I was so happy that could not close my eyes. I’ve believed in perfect love, I’ve learned that they do not exist.
I’ve loved people that disappointed me , and I disappointed people who have loved me.
I have spent hours in front of the mirror trying to figure out who I am, I’ve time where I was so sure of me, to the point of that I wanted to disappear.
I’ve Lied and I regretted later, I’ve spoke the truth and also regretted.
I’ve pretended that some people did not matter, so that I could later cry quietly in my corner.
I’ve smiled crying tears of sadness, I’ve cried from laughing so hard
I’ve believed in people that did not deserve, and I did not believe in some that deserved
I’ve had bouts of laughter when it was not appropriate
I’ve broken plates, cups and vases, out of anger.
I’ve really missed someone, but never told him.
I screamed when I should shut up, shut up when I should’ve scream.
Many times I failed to speak my mind to please some and other times I spoke what I did not believe in just to hurt someone
I’ve pretended to be who I am not one just to please, as I pretended to be what I am not to displease others.
I’ve told jokes, just to see a friend happy. I have invented stories with happy ending to give hope to those in need.
I dreamed so much, to the point of confusing with reality … I’ve been afraid of the dark. Today in the dark, I find myself
I’ve fell many times thinking I would never get back on my feet, I got back on my feet many times thinking that I would not fall again.
I’ve called who I did not want just so that I did not have to call who I really wanted. I’ve ran behind a car leaving, for whom I loved.
I’ve called for my mother in the middle of the night running from a nightmare. But she never showed up and that was an even a worse nightmare.
I have called people close “friend” and discovered that there were not… Some people never needed anything to call and have always been and will be special to me.
Do not give me formulas, because I do not expect get it right all the time.
Do not show me what you expect of me, because I follow my heart!
Do not try to make me what I’m not, do not expect from me to be equal, because honestly I’m different!
I do not love in half, I can not live with lies, I can not fly with my feet on the ground.
I will always be myself, but certainly not be the same forever!
I like slow poisons, I like the bitter drinks, the more powerful drugs, the most insane ideas, the more complex thoughts, deeper feelings.
I have a voracious appetite and the wildest delusions.
You can even push me off a cliff , and to that I’m going to say:
– So what ? I LOVE TO FLY!